1st Weekend Back at Uni

Things are so strange this time around at uni. I new this second year was going to be different because I'm still stuck in catered halls and all of my closest friends have moved well away from campus and into houses of their own. I knew it was going to be hard...but not this hard. I am so lonely. I don't know what to do right now. My friends are all a long way away and they're all really busy doing other things in their own little groups, which I don't seem to be a part of anymore. I enjoyed last year so much because I never thought I would make so many good friends and that they would just be able to accept me the way I am, wheels and all. And I certainly never expected to be able to find an amazing boyfriend. But none of them are here now. And, for them at least, it seems to be a case of 'out of sight, out of mind'. Don't get me wrong, there are some lovely people staying in halls with me who I met last year, but they're not people that I would class as good friends. They're not people I can talk to or people I can go to when I need a hug. They're not people I have a lot in common with. And they're not people I can fully relax with. I don't feel comfortable enough to be myself, and I certainly don't feel secure enough with them to let them see me when I am at my most ill. I have to be someone else around them all the time, someone who isn't ill and it's exhausting. I am trying so hard to socialise with them and get to know them all even better than I did last year, but the relationship I have with them is just so different to my other friends. I've met new people as well, but they've only seen me in halls and without my wheelchair. I don't know what they're going to say when they see me in it. That was the hardest thing about last year; having to explain to people that the person they met a few days ago, isn't the real me. I can't even talk to my boyfirend because he has done nothing but work and go off doing things with friends and things for himself for the last 4 months. He doesn't seem to realise that's it not OK for him to see me as and when he feels like it. He doesn't seem to realise that just because he has half an hour free it doesn't mean that I am going to have the same, or that I'm even going to be well enough to see him. It's not fair for everything to be on his terms all the time. I feel so ill. I was throwing up on my first night back here because my head was so painful. And now my body is like a lump of jelly; my arms and legs are shaking so much that my legs are struggling to support me. I am so exhausted, I can't even begin to describe how it feels. My body is screaming in agony. And I am like this because I have tried to spend so much time with other people in the hall, so that I'm not on my own. Trying to be someone I'm not and wasting so much energy. I am surrounded people, people who are so lovely and hearts of gold, yet I am so lonely. I want the pain to go away. I want the exhaustion to go away so I can just be normal. And I just want someone to give me a hug. And this is how I'm feeling at the start of the term, so I hope to God I feel better before the end because I don't want it to get any worse. I hate this illness!! If it wasn't for this illness, I wouldn't even be here! I would have my own house, my own home with my friends. I wouldn't be stuck in my room night after night, trying to look after my body and hiding away from people because I am so exhausted that I am struggling to sit up let alone sit and have a laugh with them.